Feet in the sand

Mandy was really looking forward to taking this picture. We took a trip to the ocean and all she could talk about is getting the one good picture of feet in the sand. Mandy had gotten a camera for a gift and had become a picture taking bug. She was good at it too. I have always loved taking pictures but have not been too good at it. Mandy seemed to have a good eye for how the picture would turn out and she took good ones. Mandy could take two or three pictures and get the perfect one but me...... I could maybe get a good one out of twenty five. I guess love is not enough for good picture taking skills, oh well.

Mandy and her new Batali sunglasses

When we went to Virginia City I found these sun glasses and bought them for Mandy. It is hard to see but there are red and white gems on the side. Mandy loved the large Hollywood style sun glasses. If I would put Mandy in a time area it would most assuredly be Hollywood's Golden age, she loved the glam and glitz and all the decadence that went along with it. She loved all the old movies and actor's and actresses from that time. My sweet baby girl.....loves the best

Christmas 2009

It's really hard to believe that this was Mandy's last Christmas with us. She is so full of life here even though she is going through treatment. Mandy was a really strong woman and suffered through all kind of side affects from her cancer but she was always so sweet to us and really concerned about how we were handling the things that were happening to her.
I remember asking Mandy how would we decorate for this Christmas and she said "Winter wonderland" and I said "candy cane theme" she went shopping all around with me to find things for the tree but I could not find anything that I could use as a candy cane theme so we were at Rite aid one day and they were having this great discount on frosted garland with holly and berry's and I said "Hey how about we get this and have a Winter Wonderland theme?" Putting her hands on her hip she gave me that are you serious look. Laughing I said what? she said that is what I suggested in the first place. So I purchased the garland and we set everything up. Mandy loved it and she wanted to take pictures in front of the tree so that she could use it as a Christmas card that year.
It's hard to see but the shoes that she has on are flats but made out of fake alligator skin she loved those shoes very much. They still sit by the front door where she left them. I miss my baby girl so much

Slap hand

On the last trip to the city for Mandy's brain surgery we stopped in the gift store to pick up some items and we saw this. It is really funny because when you slap someone with it, it laughs. We were standing in the gift shop before Mandy's surgery with her and she and her dad were taking turns slapping each other with this and laughing so hard they had tears. Well at that point we had to get it and it became a point of fun afterwards for them so we took a picture of it. When things got a little to serious or to quiet my husband would pick it up and start slapping things. It made Mandy smile and that would break up the seriousness or the quietness in the room and get us talking again.

Tahoe

I was standing here looking across the street when Mandy came up to me and said "Hey momma, Smile"
I had to laugh she was getting some good picture taking in. It is hard to see but under my arm is the knock off purse that I found on our trip to the city, I love that purse.

Mandy is in a wig because treatment took off most of her hair and she is wearing sunglasses because she was really sensitive to light.

We spent most of the day window shopping with some of the family that had come up with us..... great day, great memories..... Missing my baby girl

Merry Christmas

One year we did not have much money for Christmas pictures and I wanted one so I just got out some glitter snow and had the kids sit on the back of the couch and took this picture. It is one of my favorite pictures even though it is not professionally done.
Merry Christmas Everyone!

Mandy Is Love

We have a great friend whom at one point in our daughters sickness brought over a framed picture where she had written "Mandy is love" and this became our new saying. Then next Mandy's husband made this friend a bracelet with the same saying and she took a picture of it. To us "Mandy is Love" and always will be.

Trip to U.C.S.F

Here my baby smiles in spite of her cancer. That is her father in the background looking out over the city. We are visiting her Dr. and getting the results of her latest MRI scans. Now you have to know that she had battled 1 glio in the center of her speech area, then a second glio was removed from her motor cortex area and then on this day we were getting the opinion of a possible third over the top of the same area of the brain where they had just removed the second. We had been told that what they saw on the mri scan was edema and not a cancer then we got a call and here is what I posted on her caringbridge web site.

SUNDAY, MARCH 14, 2010 1:23 PM, CDT

Okay, right now I am a lot confused, disillusioned, and really ticked off! I do not understand why some diagnosis goes back and forth like a tennis ball in a serious match! The MRI that Amanda had on Friday shows that the cancer they told us she does not have "has shown signs of rapid growth" HUH? ? ? ? ?  I don't get it! The doctor that told us this said that she needs a second opinion. So that is what we are going to do. 

After the second opinion we ended up having surgery and that proved to be her last. They gave her four months and it was barley six weeks. They called it P-Net... It is nasty, ugly, worse kind of cancer you can get in the brain. Every one gave up on her and we felt abandoned by the medical community... NO one would treat her anymore... they said keep her comfortable. It was like a total black out and complete silence... We were so scared and lost

Bright smile

The closer it gets to Christmas I find myself becoming more melancholy and today is one of those days that I do not feel like blogging so I will just put up a picture of Mandy and her brother. Like always she is smiling, they traveled well when we took trips and my sweet children have great smiles. Looking at my son too what a extremely sweet face! I love my babys

Mandy and Elephants

Mandy loved elephants, I learned more about them from her than I ever learned else where. We were walking down the street in the city trying to find me a new knock off purse and ran into this statue. I told Mandy to wait so that I could take a picture of the statue and then I said "Wait, stand next to the statue" she laughed and said very cute mom. LOL, I had been taking a lot of pictures and she knew that I was taking this picture just to get her in it. My baby girl collected elephants and watched any shows with them in it.

Happy Mandy

WOW! Please excuse the mess in the back ground. Having a new baby will cause that LOL. Mandy is holding her new baby brother and having so much fun she used to call him "her baby" She was so happy to be able to hold him in her lap but of course you could not already tell that by her smile :-)
Picture was taken over 25 years ago
I love the cowboy hats in the background

A Mothers tear

When someone you love passes it puts you in a very different place and you never get back to the person you were ever again. The people that surround you do the best they know how to comfort you with words, actions and just being there for you. But until you have lost a daughter, son, husband or significant other you really do not know how someone feels. In the beginning I was angry at what I perceived as a poor attempt from family and friends telling me what I should do, think and how I should behave. The anger came from the thought in my mind that they have not just lost their daughter and they have no idea what I am going through! I know that it was my intense pain speaking and not my intellect but it was hard to think rational when my heart and womb had just been torn out of my body and away from my soul. People do their best to be there for you in your time of need the only way they know how but sometimes they bungle it up I know because I have been there before myself. I have tried to comfort people in my past and I can remember thinking to myself "I hope that I do not say the wrong thing or bring pain to them with my poor choice of words." Often I would not say anything or avoid the person all together. It is embarrassing to admit that but I am human and not perfect. But having been in the pain now I can see what people who have lost loved ones need, I guess that is the nature of experience. There were a few friends that really came to the table for me and got me through my beginning pain. One of them sent me this crystal with a small note and this in the picture above, it's a "A Mother's Tear." I felt a great connection with the note and my friend because she had just lost her husband four short months earlier... she knew my pain. Others knew my pain also but she was in it with me at the time. One tear.....One friend.....One shared pain.............

Pacifica

Here is a Link to the picture that shows Mandy and I sitting at a table looking out over the ocean. This picture here is what we saw from our table taken the same day. I love this picture because of what looks like a sun or moon in the distance above the ocean line. It is really the flash from my camera and not the sun or moon but it looks really cool.

Mandy wanted to get a picture of the sea foam for what reason I do not know so I asked her and she said that she liked the way it looks on the sand and she wanted to capture that look.

I love this picture so much, Mandy started to take a picture of me sooooo

I took a picture of her at the same time. I thought it was funny and she and I laughed afterwards.

all in all it was a really cool day all the way around. I no longer see the beach or ocean without thinking of my baby girl and what fun our family had together.

Mandy at Light house Inn

Mandy was a big fan of the profile picture and she had them taken when a good opportunity came along. Here we are the night before her Dr. apt. in S.F. this was taken from our rooms balcony. Can you see that great view? This really is a great place to be. I grew up in Pacifica and love going back for visits. In Mandy's pic here you can see her smile. I loved that about her, she was always happy and had a positive attitude.

Amanda

I was going through some old files to see what was there and I came across a file that I had for Mandy. When she and her brother would bring home items that they wanted to keep I had a file for each of them in my drawer so that the items did not get lost. I found quite a bit of stuff that had been kept through the years and this was one. As I sat there looking at this it brought back quite a few memories of when I was young and doing this same thing with my name. Mandy loved to color and she was good at it. This was done in grade school and was done in her favorite colors Purple being the best. Mandy had this hanging up in her room for some time. I am so happy that I kept this. I also have a great treasure that I need to look for because I just remembered it. We for a couple of years made a book of memories that the kids would add stuff to like, pictures, pages colored, a leaf, tickets to a play, report card, string and anything that meant something to them. We did it as a scrap book kind of way and it was so full that it did not close right and stuff stuck out of the top but the kids would love to look back over the months and sit talking about this or that. It was heart warming to see them sitting there next to each other having fun reliving their lives. I miss my baby girl

Pacifica Lighthouse Inn

Here my baby and I are sitting at the best seat in the restaurant at the Pacifica Lighthouse Inn. We are looking out over the ocean that comes right up to the lower porch outside and it is breath taking. It is so serene there that you could just sit there most of the day. The atmosphere here was delightful and the employees here are very good and the food even better. Mandy and I were sitting here in silence just soaking up the atmosphere. I may look like I am calm but my heart is really beating out of my chest with fear because we were going to her Dr. in S.F. the next day. I am so happy that I got this picture of my baby girl. I miss her so much.

Christmas Traditions

Christmas traditions in our family...
One of the traditions I have already mentioned Here is making gingerbread houses. Another is from my other grandmother she use to take coffee cans then clean them out and add small bite size candies that she made at home starting in November. She added fudge, turtles, rice crispy treats, nuts, caramel, brownies, tootsie rolls, divinity, and a cutie. She would wrap everything up in small bits of foil and it was like opening up a new present with every piece you took out and a surprise because you never knew what was inside. On the outside of the can was a snow scene decorated with sequin and felt. I have done this tradition myself with my own children and they loved it too. I am now thinking about doing this tradition with my niece and nephews.
But I think the best family tradition that our family has is our Christmas morning breakfasts.
This started out of pure selfishness on our side. I come from a large family and we spent Christmas and Christmas eve with different family members traveling around from house to house. Well one year we ended up moving out of the state and spent the next two Christmases alone and sad. I remember sitting and thinking that we had to do something other than sitting on Christmas morning being sad so....... we started Christmas breakfast. We knew that people would not come to our house on Christmas for dinner because they would be with their own families but we thought that on their way from their houses they could stop by our house and eat with us and then go on their way to see their families. We also had a smaller tree and supplied Christmas ornaments for people to sign and hang on the tree from year to year. It is so fun each year they come back to see if they can find the past ornaments they signed. We call that our Christmas tree of memories so that is how it all started. Our first year we had only three families but we had a really super day and that was the whole idea behind it. But each year after that became standing room only and revolving doors we now had the joy of Christmas because it was outside or ourselves. We had over sixty seven people one year. We told people that we were serving breakfast from 8am til noon when at that time we cleaned up and went to the movies and had a great time watching the newest movie on the screen. So for over ten years my husband would start prepping the night before and then get up at o'darkthirty and start to cook. The kids would get up and open their presents and then play. As Mandy got older she started to help her father and it then became their tradition with each other. Each Christmas morning she would get up with her father and they would go into the kitchen and start cooking. I could often hear giggles and laughter coming from the kitchen while they were cooking. We stopped this tradition when Mandy became sick so that she was not exposed to foreign germs and get sick from them. It has now been three Christmases that we have not done breakfast and that is because it is too hard for our family but especially hard for my sweet husband. He cannot stand in the kitchen and make Christmas breakfast without reliving all the years he and our baby girl had their special time together. My husband loves to cook and I think that the joy has gone out of it since then and it breaks my heart for him. Loosing our baby girl has crippled this family in many ways but we try to live as she would have wanted us to but I tell you! It is the hardest thing we have ever done.

Tahoe

This picture was taken in Tahoe at a casino  restaurant just before her last surgery. In the center of the small restaurant was a water feature and this bear which stands over a bridge where people would throw money and makes wishes. Mandy stood there for a small moment just staring into the water and thinking. I stood next to her and didn't say anything I just let her think. I felt in my heart what she would not give voice to when her father came up and offered her some money to throw in. I don't remember what her father gave her or if she tossed anything in but what I do remember is standing next to her... just being there....with her.....connected.

Mandy learning to walk

I am so glad that we have digital cameras today because as time goes on these old pictures degrade. Here Mandy is learning how to walk she is so happy by the encouragement that we are giving her. She was walking from me to Great gran in the back ground. I miss my granny too.
I miss my Baby girl........
Yesterday would have been her birthday......
no celebration yesterday.....

Seasonal Tree

Mandy loved Christmas very much and for Christmas 2009 she had her third brain surgery and was home in time for her birthday which is a couple weeks before. When Christmas was over and clear to the end of January Mandy did not want me to take the tree down. We did not know at that time that it would be four short months before she would no longer be with us. I had wanted to take the tree down so that we did not become use to it and not enjoy it on the Christmas next but when I told Mandy that she appeared to be saddened by that so I left it up. Then it hit me one day that we could change the decorations around for each month and so when February came I purchased a lot of Valentines decorations and decorated this tree. In March we did a St Patrick's day tree and in April we did a tree filled with flowers. The month of May was Hawaiian. When we lost Mandy we could no longer change the seasons and did not want to take the tree down. So we took some of the Cards that had been sent to her before she passed and put them on small card stock then put them on the tree. That gave me an idea and I took from the past five months a small amount of each tree's decorations and put them all on the tree. For the Memorial services we told everyone in lieu of flowers they could give an ornament of their choice in memory of Mandy and we provided small card stock for a personal note of a memory that they had of Mandy. This is the tree that we ended up with and under the tree were a couple of statues and all the sympathy cards that were sent to us. We kept this tree up for a year and a half in memory of my baby girl. The tree was taken down not to long ago and we are in the process of making a shadow box for all the ornaments sent for this tree and I have a book for the cards and her Caring bridge journal. Taking the tree down was extremely hard because it felt like I was putting her away. Now as I sit in the front room I gaze toward the tree that is no longer there and feel a pang in my heart but it was time.

The city

Mandy loved to go places, here she is on one of her many trips to the city. They had gone here with her brother and his girlfriend. They had so much fun when they took these trips and would come home just laughing and sharing all the fun things they did.

Christmas

Mandy was always a fun person to be with. She was playful and fun. Here she is threatening me with the rolling pin lol.....

My sweet baby girl........
She was helping me with the small gingerbread men that we had just made and I asked her to smile....
She had the hat on because half of her head did not have any hair from the radiation treatments she was going through.
I was happy that today she was up to doing this with me because she really had no energy but she pushed herself. Mandy did not like her picture taken when she was not at her best but I think she did this one just for me.

Here she is working on her gingerbread house

She is done with her house. She claimed that she wanted a simple one this year, I think she just ran out of steam. She is sitting in this picture.... shortly after this she went to bed and stayed there the next two days. She did such a great job...I love my baby girl

A visit to the city

Mandy would have to go to the city for her check ups on the progression of her treatments and we would go to pier 39 when we had a chance and this day we had just eaten at the Rain Forest Cafe and was down stairs in the little store there. We were window shopping and Mandy came across this hat and I put it on her head and said smile. She laughed and said I am not buying this hat mom why would you take a picture of me in it. I said because you are so cute, she laughed and took it off and put it back. We were looking for a hat for Caleb and they had a good collection but we did not find one that he was happy with. Looking at her face I just want to wrap my arms around her and give her a great big hug...........
Memories, are all I have now but they are what keeps me grounded. I have really great memories of my baby girl and that is why I am attempting to do this blog so that I can record them down for my family and most importantly myself.

Something about Mandy

My baby girl loved to do shopping of any kind. She enjoyed it so much that it did not even matter if she spent money or not. Just the action of window shopping left her feeling very happy. I can remember being so disappointed in my ability to shop for clothing for myself and expressing that to her she told me the next time that I went shopping I needed to take her with me. She also expressed how happy she was about this and how she has been wanting to take me shopping for a very long time. So the next time I went shopping she went with me. It started out kind of sketchy because everything that she picked out for me I said no. Then in her frustration she said this is why you brought me with you, to try things that you would not normally try. I had to laugh then because she was right so then on I started to try things on that I would have never picked out. By the time that we were done I had four new shirts and a couple of pants. We had such a good time and I was so impressed with her ability to find things that worked on this big person that I am. Jokingly she told me that I was not allowed to shop for my self ever again. So each time that I needed new clothes we went shopping. I can remember one time she said okay, lets see how much you have learned from me and pick out your own stuff. It was so funny because everything I picked up she said no, no, no, don't even, put that right back. It was so funny so I told her that she would just have to go shopping for me every time an she said no prob mom.
I never thought that she would leave this earth way before her time. I now had a daunting task in front of me shopping for the dress that I would wear to the funeral to say my last good bye to her. I broke down because she was not here to shop with me how in the world could I do this. So I called up my mother and sisters and asked if they would help me. So we went shopping and found nothing so we made another date and this time I really felt a lot of despair. I can remember standing in the Mall in one of the larger stores staring at a rack of clothing and thinking despairingly never ever again will I be able to do anything ever again with my baby girl. Feeling my self starting to fall into an abyss, I shook myself out mentally and started to focus on the task at hand. I found a rack of dresses that looked promising and turned around to tell everyone to help me pick from among these but no one was around me at all, for some reason they all at the same time had disappeared  together or separate I do not know but I thought okay I will look myself. Picking up a dress I thought to myself "This does not look to bad" but being unsure my next thought was "I wonder what Mandy would say about this dress?" and I all of a sudden felt her next to me and a thought came to my mind of laughter and so I thought okay that is my answer. So that is what I did for the next ten minutes I would pick up a outfit and listen for the gentle response. when I came across a very unattractive outfit and picked it up I immediately heard in my head before I had even picked it up off of the rack "Oh no you don't". A smile came to my face and my heart and I held it up and thought "It's not that bad" and then I next heard "If you get that I will hit you" Now that sounds funny but that is what she use to say to me when we went shopping and she did not like what I picked out. I felt my baby with me and I was able to get through the day and wouldn't you know that the next dress I picked up WAS the right dress! I miss the fun my baby and I use to have.

Christmas 2011

Christmas was Mandy's most favorite holiday of each year. She always tried to make it the best for everyone involved. The joy that your little children have on their faces as they get up each Christmas morning had never gone away from her even as a young adult. She would get up at the crack of dawn and help her father prepare Christmas breakfast for everyone. It was their time together! He has not done one for three years. I asked if he would ever do one again and he said I do not know if I can do that with out my baby girl......
We would open up our house and have anyone that wanted to come to our house share Christmas breakfast. We had usually standing room only and most definitely lots of love! This tradition in our house will never be the same again.

After treatment

Mandy had been on treatment for some time when this picture was taken and was currently on a break. She was on so much medication and continued to have seizures through the whole two years and two months time. Siting here smiling she was just really happy to be here on the beach siting on a rock looking out over the Pacific ocean. We had come here for a little R and R with her grandparents and the rest of the family and had just had lunch at the restaurant in the Light House Inn. We could see the beach from our lunch table and had decided to walk down to the shore and put our feet into the water but the waves were too strong so we just sat on the rocks for a little bit. Mandy had always had a fascination with the beach and loved to spend time just watching the waves. It was pretty cold this day but we really had fun. Mandy loved to spend time with family it made her happy. I remember one day she told me that spending time with family and friends was her favorite thing to do. My baby girl........

a visit to aunties house

We took a trip to Tennessee and here is the kids spread out on the floor watching TV. We had a great time there. We went to several parks and had fun visiting. One thing that the kids loved to do was snuggle while watching TV. One of their favorite cartoons was "The Smurfs" 

Virginia City

Here is another picture from Virginia City. They have this really cool corner between buildings that you can take a picture behind this wall so it looks like you are in Jail. Mandy is standing here with her papa. The sign she is holding was so funny and she put it up as a joke saying they were in jail for shoplifting. She, my baby girl had a really great sense of humor. See that smile? She was always smiling and that is the hardest part of looking at pictures of her because I miss her so much my whole body hurts and sometimes I cannot breath from the pain.

Gingerbread House

Making Gingerbread Houses in our family has been a tradition for as long as I can remember. My grandmother started it when I was a teen. My baby girl loved to make them too and this was her last one. Mandy suffered with seizures because of the location of the GBM you can see evidence also of brain surgery by they way she holds her hands all curled up. Looking at the gingerbread house that she made is amazing when you think about the fact that she did not have feeling in most of her hands. She was so proud of the melted hard candy porch that she made. I have really happy memories of this day because she was so happy to be here with me making them. I feel blessed that she is my baby girl and was in my life.